This post is nearly a year in waiting. I remember
writing a poem one night that captured its essence and the blog’s been bubbling,
but unwritten ever since. Its time finally came...
I live from lists. Mental lists and physical lists adorn my world, offering continual productive bait for my seemingly waning attention span. I have so much to achieve and many expectations to live up to. So many tasks, people to contact, things to write, stuff to organise. I wonder what mood I was in when I wrote my last list. I am surprised it didn’t remind me to clean my teeth and check I was still breathing. And with this, I wonder if I have lost faith in my own motivation. Instead, I’ve started relying on bits of paper to keep me on a track; as an acceptable functioning member of society in the 21st century.
I returned to England a few weeks ago. Flung
immediately into the Christmas period and surrounded by family and friends. The
transition from USA life to UK life is never seamless. It seems to take several
weeks for me to fit myself back into the groove of those around me. All the
while, recalling and relearning my own history. Today, writing this, I remind
myself that each moment brings an opportunity for recovery. At Christmas I’m
reminded of those extended family members who’ve slipped quietly into my past. Unable
to shake from the chains of our earlier mistakes and judgements, we’ve become
strangers. As I grow older though, I’m beginning to see these moments of
awareness as an opportunity for change. In the past I may have drowned in the
fear of judgement rather than embracing mine and my family’s vulnerabilities.
Moments of awareness are now opportunities for recovery. It’s never too late.
So, I’d like to share this because I think it’s what
we do. This is the human part of us. Relationships are part of human life,
whether they are negative, positive or neutral, they are there and with every
interaction follows a ripple effect.
Like a pebble dropping into water, each conversation or silent
interaction we have will bump together with those experiences of others and
momentarily create unknown ripples of their own. The law of unexpected
consequences means really that, that they are unexpected. We can’t know what consequences
will come from our actions. We can only guess, wish or even deny our part in it.
Like it or not though, just being alive means you are a pebble thrower!
Creating ripple after ripple, every moment of every day. So with being human
comes a huge responsibility. How do we choose to ripple out into the world
around us? Do we want to cause gentle splashes that tickle those around us or
tidal waves that shunt them into reaction? How can we responsibly throw pebbles
without exhausting ourselves?
Several years ago a friend, in jest, asked me if I was
catholic. I appeared to him to be carrying a lot of guilt on my back which was
disorientating me. This observation helped me enormously. As an experiment, I
recall removing ‘should’ from my vocabulary. Just say that word, ‘should’ aloud and be
aware of its impact on your body. For me, it feels heavy. So over the years, as
the word has popped up in my mind, I’ve respectfully allowed the thought it was
contained within to pass me by. With thoughts come feelings and following a
heavy feeling isn’t going to lead you in a healthy direction.
As a result, I’ve learned that I am best help to
others when I am genuine and in order to be genuine I have to be present with
them. By present I mean, fully in the room. Not thinking about my plans for
later that day, resenting them for taking my time and not swimming around in my
own fear or judgement. All this requires a genuine commitment which often
doesn’t spur from a ‘should’ driven action.
It’s not that I let others’ pain pass me by, quite the
opposite actually. I have found that there is a time and a place for deliberate
action. There is also a time and place for deliberate inquiry and unpicking of
the past. So now, allowing myself to act upon genuine feelings rather than any guilt-driven
means I have genuine and healthy intentions. We humans are hard wired to care
and feel compassion. We don’t have to try hard to have wonderful impacts when
our intentions are genuine. This is what
I call responsible pebble throwing. I can feel the difference because when I’m
not genuine, actions feel like I am wading through treacle. In contrast, a
genuine action feels light but focused, with little to no second guessing going
on in my mind. Over the years it’s also allowed me to look after myself properly,
which in turn has offered others ‘the best of me’. It’s been a win, win development.
I am excited to trust that things will happen when they are supposed to,
instead of forcing something into being and suffering from the unintended
consequences.
So what if, in the moment that we became aware of an
inclination, we just followed it? What if we unlearned the rules, discarded all
the shoulds, coulds and can’ts that we’ve acquired and instead, what if we just
moved forward into the unknown? Trusting our intuition to reflexively guide us;
step by step, moment by moment. What if pain is unavoidable, but continued
attempts to buffer against it is actually creating unnecessary suffering? There
is nothing wrong with being kind to your self.
I believe that at the heart of all of this is learning
to trust that underneath any concerns or fears you have, you have a silent list
of genuine tasks that present themselves at the right moment. Much like my
previous GPS analogy! With our wisdom we are always recalibrating. You just
have to be able to be quiet enough to notice those inclinations and silent, but
guttural tugs to take you back in the right direction.
If we believe that we are more than the loud words in
our heads, what impact does that have? If you believed that you were more than
the churning of memories and or insecurities, or even that you are more than
the incredibly important list of tasks you have to accomplish. How would that
change the way you related to those around you?