Whip It...Whip It Good!

“Being smart as a whip includes knowing when not to crack it.”

~ Vera Nazarian

There's an important life lesson on my mind...one that is seldom spoken of, but that is subtly contemplated many times throughout each day. If we shine no awareness on this elusive process we inevitably waste time, energy and our own peace-of-mind. I have had this familiar feeling of confusion and frustration many times in my life. If we open our eyes to this lesson, however, there is no end to the learning and rewards that appear. The sparkly discovery that I'm pointing to is our constant ability to use our free will to decrypt any thought we conger up.

One rarely spends a moment to think about this cogitating that goes on within the confines of our own minds, but we're constantly deciding whether are not we will trust the thoughts we create. Sometimes we drop thinking that would serve us quite well. At other times, we may give power to thinking that gets us into trouble. Either way, we decide to trust some thinking, while we dismiss other thoughts. This does not mean that we should begin a practice of manipulating our thoughts...this is not a possibility. Instead, we can begin to count on our thinking...knowing new thought will come whenever we feel leery of the current selection.

So far, this is common sense...a simple truth that goes unnoticed as we live our lives. It comes up, though, all the time, and goes unnoticed even when we begin to feel lost...hopeless. Paying attention to how you use your thinking is in many ways the key to getting what you want...whatever that may be. Can you see the importance of deciding not to trust your thinking at times? Further, can you slip beyond seeing this and put it into action?

I was observing recently, both myself and others. There is a pattern I see in a lot of us...dare I say most of us. It's this ability we have as humans to have a loud, proud voice when we speak up for others, and yet we loose this confidence and volume at times when we need to use our voice for ourselves. I think the root of this is two-fold. One,we have a tremendous connection to each other...causing us to feel powerful and immediate empathy for one another. This happens quite naturally and spontaneously...and without our permission at times. Two, we somehow decide regularly to allow less of this esteem for ourselves...our vision of ourselves is not as clear. Not as affirmative.

I see this in friends and clients, who insist on believing the worst in themselves, but will then quickly believe me when I offer them a less destructive perspective. It's as though they want to hear about their own worth but they will not call it up for themselves. They hear beyond my words something they know is true...they are redeeming, but they let themselves forget this until I release it into our setting.

There are many stories I could tell about times when I have felt vocal for other people. The love I felt for them in their time of need overshadowed any thought I had to be quiet...to question their character. This may even be the powerful feeling that led me to the field of counseling to begin with. Somehow, though, when I am the one in need these thoughts of questioning and doubting appear to be valid...stopping me at times when action is needed. What is good enough for my fellow-human is too good for me in my own mind!

One story fits well here, because I was aware throughout the process that I would not have been so strong on my own behalf. My good friend was being manipulated by a person who was herself very lost at the time. My friend was in tears. Without hesitation, I walked the short distance to this person's house and dealt with the matter. I spoke from the heart...I found a way to point out my friend's strengths without attacking this other person's character. I was even, solid, and fearless. I remember feeling like I wished someone would do this for me in all of the compromised friendships I had at the time. Funny I never thought of enlisting myself!

In a way the learning curve has been steeper when I throw myself into the picture. Conversely, this is why it is so moving when I realize occasionally how beautifully other people see me...the ease at which they forgive me and move on with their image of me untarnished.

Recently, though, I had some insight that is helping me blaze a new trail. There is a process regarding personal thinking that I see with great clarity in other people. This is the fact that when someone is in a bad feeling, they have gotten there by believing some personal thinking that they shouldn't have. This has led them somewhere where they cannot easily thrive. I know this for myself too, but mostly I would not make this connection until after a decision had been made. The feelings all along the way were too often ignored. Although realization (at any time) that I had followed harmful thinking was helpful, it did not always lead to action in real time.

I began to see the personal truth in something that I had only deemed true for others in the past. Here it is....when my feeling state is off, this is not just an indication that my personal thinking should be ignored. It is actually a notification that I should not make decisions at this time. This is quite different, because the first level of understanding still leaves a lot of room for different, yet just as destructive personal thinking to be at play. The second, deeper, understanding has a whispering of reassurance in it...something like “Just let it be. New thought is on the way. There is no reason to continue on this path you've chosen. Your answer is waiting for you to get out of the way.”

There is so much freedom here! Somehow this little tweak in my understanding means that my feeling state can guide me with much more ease. These decisions that I make every day, big and small, can be informed by my feelings rather than analyzed later. I'm the only one attached to the thinking that is informing me at any given time...I'm the only one who can veto it. The goal, after all, is to make decisions that are right for me...not to make decisions because I've locked myself into them in my head. This does not take courage...maybe just patience.

I love when these glimpses into the nature of thought allow me to change my behavior. Because I give myself total permission to dismiss my personal thinking when necessary, I will not make as many unfortunate decisions for myself. Waiting for the right answer is more logical. Insisting on a thought that I just made up, does not hold any merit. Noticing later the wrong feelings I was in while I made a decision, is not good enough anymore.

This, ladies and gents, is how change happens. Instantaneous, because you are suddenly informed by a new perspective that makes your old process seem obsolete. Suddenly the shackles are off and you realize that you had the key. Just like that, you can become smart as a whip, without worrying that you'll injure yourself with a lashing!